I'd like to think I've grown enough in my life that I'm more knowledgeable than I have been in years past. Apparently this is not true. I see things not the way I want to see them, but the way it's important to see... all sides and situations... I see a girl searching for light, but keeps allowing the darkness to capture her time and time again. Every time she comes up for air, she is pulled back down without a fight. I fought for her once, as did many, but we now see we can't do anything for her if she's not going to put up the ultimate fight. I try to tell her what I see, what could be, might be, should be important but she's stuck in a current of the thickest fog... she doesn't care and because she doesn't care she's hurting everyone in the process and because hurting is one of our greatest adversaries, Satan, the devil, the person I loathe, uses that against us and pulls us apart and instead of having unconditional love we all give up and get pissed off. Anger fills every part of our body and it's hard to let go... it becomes blinding, we become biased, independent, stubborn and rude and we just keep right on hurting. I see all this, and because I see all this I'd like to think I have a bit more knowledge then I did when it all began, that when I give advice when asked for it, or my opinion, or my love or my consideration, that I'd know more beyond what lies before my eyes. Yes, I can see what's happening now, but I see the rest of it as well, and I'm sorry she can't, that right now she wont. I'm sorry I can't save her and I'm sorry we all have to sit idly by and watch what is happening to her because she wont accept help from a higher source... I'm sorry she has pushed away our Savior and forgotten the divine power of grace. I tried to tell her, to show her from my past experiences, but she's still so blinded. I still pray for her, I carry a prayer in my heart that encompasses most of it. I cry for her everyday... I will never abandon her, but I cannot save her, I've tried........ She has to save herself.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Updates, Updates, Updates....
So.... It's been almost a year since my last post and I do apologize to those who might actually read... I seem to lack the motivation, but now that life finds itself in full swing, I'm hoping blog posts will be away to slow things down a bit.
Since I last posted, (back in 2009) a lot has happened...
Back toward the end of February, Chase and I decided it was time to make an addition to our family. I wasn't sure if I was completely ready, but figured it'd probably take a month or two for anything to come about. I had let some family and friends know we were trying, one of those being sweet Katey who I worked with at Holy Smoke BBQ... I was at work one day, minding my own business, and in walks Katey. She stopped and just started staring at me and when I asked her what her problem was, she smiled at me and the first words out of her mouth were "You are so knocked up!" No, "Hello, how are you" or any kind of a welcome greeting. Now, for those of you who don't know, Katey has a history of making assumptions that, later down the road, come true, so when she told me I was "knocked up" I was a little shocked and became a wee bit anxious. All she could say all night were comments such as "you're eggo is prego," and "you totally have a bun in the oven," and so on. By the end of the night, my nerves were getting to me and I called a friend who picked up a pee stick for me and I ran to the bathroom to check it out. The result... was... negative. As I rubbed it in Katey's face that this time she was wrong, I went home a little disappointed after being on a high about possibly being pregnant. Two days passed and still no gifts from mother nature arrived so Chase went out and bought another pee stick and the next morning I took another test and lo and behold, my eggo was prego! Katey was right again! It came sooner than expected, but we were beyond excited!
It was a fairly easy pregnancy... the only time I would get sick was if I took a prenatal pill in the morning, had any kind of dairy, or Chinese food. After figuring all this out I just stayed away from it all and enjoyed whatever I could. We found out it was boy and right away started telling Jackson he was going to have a little brother. I worked up until I was about 8 months and ate enough BBQ to last me a lifetime. My good friend at Holy Smoke threw me a small baby shower and stocked me up on diapers and baby products. By the end of November, being much bigger than I was with Jack, I was miserable and just wanted to be done with the pregnancy and prayed on a daily basis to be able to give birth as early as was possible, but continued to waddle along even though three weeks before my due date I was already dilating.
We celebrated Jackson's 2nd birthday with our families at Hungry Bear Pizza, then with my grandparents, aunts and uncles with cake and ice cream. Jackson was sure spoiled and loved opening his gifts. Shortly after his birthday, I decided I was fed up with spending $150-$200 in gas every month and we decided it was best to put our durango up for sale and get something more fuel efficient. A few weeks later we sold our durango and another week later we found a 2003 Acura TL that I am in love with and so very blessed and happy to have. I was my birthday present and Christmas present and anniversary present and I only spend $60 a month! Yeah! Christmas was fun this year... Jackson understood a little more what was going on... He called Santa HO HO HO and was anxious to rip open presents that sat under every tree. Christmas morning he was spoiled by mom and dad and had a blast opening his gifts and about halfway through he got tired and gave up. Then we headed to my parents to exchange gifts and have some breakfast where Jackson was spoiled again. Then grandma Eileen came over and we exchanged gifts with her then it was off to my grandparents house to have some lunch, gifts and games. It was a long day but we had fun! And even though by this time I was dilated to a 4 and 85% effaced, still no baby, and not matter what I did to induce labor, nothing worked and so I continued waddling on.
A few days later I was scheduled to be induced and on the 28th. We dropped Jackson off to his Aunt Crystal to play with his cousins for a few days and Chase and I headed to the hospital where, when I arrived, was full swing in labor. The put me on the pit to speed things up and it was fully my intention to do this without an epidural (only because our insurance stinks and doesn't pay for a thing!) But after being fully effaced and dilated to almost a 7, I couldn't seem to handle the pain anymore. I was trying hard to hold back the tears and was irritable and truly was not enjoying the birthing experience. So I gave in and had an epidural. 20 mins later I was relaxed and starting to enjoy myself again, and a few hours later baby dos decided he wanted out. The resident doctor came in to check me and they quickly got ready and 6 pushes later at 2:53, out came Clayton Norman Sawyer, weighing 7 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches long. I was in labor a total of 7 hours, whereas with Jackson I was in labor about 16 hours and pushed for almost 2 hours.
Just this last Sunday we blessed Clayton. He has been such a wonderful addition to our family and we love him so very much and cannot get enough of him. Jackson is so sweet with him and loves his brother very much. He is always so concerned when Clay starts crying and is so good to get him is binki, help with feeding him is bottle and loves to hold him. Jackson has yet to ask me to take Clay back to the hospital, so I'm taking that as a good sign.
2 weeks after giving birth we closed on a home in Layton and moved in right away. It's a small and cozy 2 bedroom 2 bath home. We are really enjoying being homeowners, even after this weekend when our water heater broke or the weekend before that when we replaced our backdoor and found out that all the wood around the door was rotted and moldy. Our additions to the house have been the back door, new rain gutters, new closet organizers, new water heater and we pulled up the old pergo flooring and replaced it all with beautiful tile. We are loving our home and Jackson is loving the room he has to run around and having his own front and backyard that he doesn't have to share or worry about getting hit by a speeding car. Then a week ago we added another to our family... she's an adorable Mini Aussie/Border Collie named Mack, short for Mackenzie. She has been a lot of fun and it's a blast to watch her play with Jackson. ( I will post photos of the house and puppy soon... puppy chewed up my camera cable and a new on is on it's way in the mail... new cable that is, not puppy)
Back toward the end of February, Chase and I decided it was time to make an addition to our family. I wasn't sure if I was completely ready, but figured it'd probably take a month or two for anything to come about. I had let some family and friends know we were trying, one of those being sweet Katey who I worked with at Holy Smoke BBQ... I was at work one day, minding my own business, and in walks Katey. She stopped and just started staring at me and when I asked her what her problem was, she smiled at me and the first words out of her mouth were "You are so knocked up!" No, "Hello, how are you" or any kind of a welcome greeting. Now, for those of you who don't know, Katey has a history of making assumptions that, later down the road, come true, so when she told me I was "knocked up" I was a little shocked and became a wee bit anxious. All she could say all night were comments such as "you're eggo is prego," and "you totally have a bun in the oven," and so on. By the end of the night, my nerves were getting to me and I called a friend who picked up a pee stick for me and I ran to the bathroom to check it out. The result... was... negative. As I rubbed it in Katey's face that this time she was wrong, I went home a little disappointed after being on a high about possibly being pregnant. Two days passed and still no gifts from mother nature arrived so Chase went out and bought another pee stick and the next morning I took another test and lo and behold, my eggo was prego! Katey was right again! It came sooner than expected, but we were beyond excited!
It was a fairly easy pregnancy... the only time I would get sick was if I took a prenatal pill in the morning, had any kind of dairy, or Chinese food. After figuring all this out I just stayed away from it all and enjoyed whatever I could. We found out it was boy and right away started telling Jackson he was going to have a little brother. I worked up until I was about 8 months and ate enough BBQ to last me a lifetime. My good friend at Holy Smoke threw me a small baby shower and stocked me up on diapers and baby products. By the end of November, being much bigger than I was with Jack, I was miserable and just wanted to be done with the pregnancy and prayed on a daily basis to be able to give birth as early as was possible, but continued to waddle along even though three weeks before my due date I was already dilating.
We celebrated Jackson's 2nd birthday with our families at Hungry Bear Pizza, then with my grandparents, aunts and uncles with cake and ice cream. Jackson was sure spoiled and loved opening his gifts. Shortly after his birthday, I decided I was fed up with spending $150-$200 in gas every month and we decided it was best to put our durango up for sale and get something more fuel efficient. A few weeks later we sold our durango and another week later we found a 2003 Acura TL that I am in love with and so very blessed and happy to have. I was my birthday present and Christmas present and anniversary present and I only spend $60 a month! Yeah! Christmas was fun this year... Jackson understood a little more what was going on... He called Santa HO HO HO and was anxious to rip open presents that sat under every tree. Christmas morning he was spoiled by mom and dad and had a blast opening his gifts and about halfway through he got tired and gave up. Then we headed to my parents to exchange gifts and have some breakfast where Jackson was spoiled again. Then grandma Eileen came over and we exchanged gifts with her then it was off to my grandparents house to have some lunch, gifts and games. It was a long day but we had fun! And even though by this time I was dilated to a 4 and 85% effaced, still no baby, and not matter what I did to induce labor, nothing worked and so I continued waddling on.
A few days later I was scheduled to be induced and on the 28th. We dropped Jackson off to his Aunt Crystal to play with his cousins for a few days and Chase and I headed to the hospital where, when I arrived, was full swing in labor. The put me on the pit to speed things up and it was fully my intention to do this without an epidural (only because our insurance stinks and doesn't pay for a thing!) But after being fully effaced and dilated to almost a 7, I couldn't seem to handle the pain anymore. I was trying hard to hold back the tears and was irritable and truly was not enjoying the birthing experience. So I gave in and had an epidural. 20 mins later I was relaxed and starting to enjoy myself again, and a few hours later baby dos decided he wanted out. The resident doctor came in to check me and they quickly got ready and 6 pushes later at 2:53, out came Clayton Norman Sawyer, weighing 7 lbs 12 oz and 20 inches long. I was in labor a total of 7 hours, whereas with Jackson I was in labor about 16 hours and pushed for almost 2 hours.Just this last Sunday we blessed Clayton. He has been such a wonderful addition to our family and we love him so very much and cannot get enough of him. Jackson is so sweet with him and loves his brother very much. He is always so concerned when Clay starts crying and is so good to get him is binki, help with feeding him is bottle and loves to hold him. Jackson has yet to ask me to take Clay back to the hospital, so I'm taking that as a good sign.2 weeks after giving birth we closed on a home in Layton and moved in right away. It's a small and cozy 2 bedroom 2 bath home. We are really enjoying being homeowners, even after this weekend when our water heater broke or the weekend before that when we replaced our backdoor and found out that all the wood around the door was rotted and moldy. Our additions to the house have been the back door, new rain gutters, new closet organizers, new water heater and we pulled up the old pergo flooring and replaced it all with beautiful tile. We are loving our home and Jackson is loving the room he has to run around and having his own front and backyard that he doesn't have to share or worry about getting hit by a speeding car. Then a week ago we added another to our family... she's an adorable Mini Aussie/Border Collie named Mack, short for Mackenzie. She has been a lot of fun and it's a blast to watch her play with Jackson. ( I will post photos of the house and puppy soon... puppy chewed up my camera cable and a new on is on it's way in the mail... new cable that is, not puppy) I have truly felt very blessed with all that has happened, although very overwhelming at times, I am very grateful for all that I have, all that I learn, the great family that is always there for us, all the experiences I've been through and will go through from here on out. I am truly enjoying life and thank my Father in Heaven for all he has given us.
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